Curvy Love

As a curvy woman, I have self esteem issues. I am aware that this is not uncommon, but I wanted to share mine. I know my fiance, "N", loves me entirely, at whatever weight I am. I know this because when I was pregnant I gained 30 lbs. Many curvy women have beautifully shaped bodies, with wide hips, gracious thighs, and the slightest hint of a belly. Me? I have a short, stout, snowball of a body. I have stubby legs, a big belly, a small waist, and a bouquet of backrolls. It's difficult for me to feel sexy without hiding under clothes that accentuate my shape. I've learned that if you shirt is the exact right balance of loose and clingy, with stiff fabric, I can pull it off like I'm just well endowed with a perfect hourglass, but when there's no curtain of patterned polyester and distracting accessories it's hard for me to not feel like a slug. My fiance is the cure for that.

It's so refreshing to be with a guy who doesn't pressure me into being someone I'm not. I've had some bad boyfriends before. One past baddie hit on a slim friend of mine while I was walking 5 feet in front of him! His excuse later on was that he thought I couldn't hear him. I had another nefarious beau tell me that I should continue my years of bulimia without worry, because dentists could fix about anything that happened to my teeth and it was "just working so great". So you can see, dear readers, why "N" is such a welcome change. Last night, we in bed cuddling before going to sleep, and he was doing the unimaginable. Try, dear readers, not to freak out. He was...caressing my back fat.

What? No freak out? Okay well it was positively earthshattering to me. I asked him "Why are you doing that?" and he replied "Because your curves are sexy." My curves? Did you hear that? He called one of my rolls a "curve". It's not a curve! It's disgusting! It's a marshmallow deposit under my skin. It's a thing which just doesn't belong on a female body! A curve, the nerve of him, mocking me like that! So I replied "No, it's back fat, it's gross." and pushed his hand away. In that second I realized, by hating myself, I had rejected his love. How awful our self hate can be, yeah? I'd always thought it was emotion I suffered through alone, but no. This was something that had in that second, cut into both of us. So I put his hand back, and apologized, and followed with "Why do you like it?"

He smiled, and slid his hand up and down the side of my body, and said "Because it's soft, and it defines your waist, and it's kind of...elegant." I couldn't believe the words he was saying. Elegant? I've never heard any of the tell tale signs of obesity described like that. The rest of the night, until we fell asleep proceeded like that. He put his hand on my stomach, and said that it was "cute" and "kissable", he touched an area of my arm I'm not fond of and called it "delicate". As I fell asleep in his arms I realized: My body will always have problem areas to me, but it will never have any blemishes to those who truly love me.


Post a Comment