Out of a Size 14 and Into the Grave

I've posted recently about my surprise weight gain, and it's increasingly difficult for me to resist the urges to slip into old habits. Every time I feel my shirt tug tighter than it used to, I want to skip a few days of eating, every time I eat a meal I want to hunch over my toilet bowl. I don't even need to use my fingers to throw up anymore, I can just flex my stomach muscles and my years of practice spew out the offending calories. One thing hasn't changed. I'm binging. I can't avoid it. I love good food, and it's in the house everywhere. It's not good for me, it's just good tasting.

My binging is getting worse and worse with the discovery of my actual weight. I've eaten 3 bags of chips by myself this week. It's disgusting, and it's wrong, and it's so easy. One serving become two, two becomes lunch, lunch becomes a shopping trip for more chips. I wasn't lying about the purpose of this blog. I love real women, and curvy bodies, and that's how I want my body to be. However, I want my body to be that way at a healthy weight for me. 184 pounds is not that weight. This blog is about confidence at any size, and beauty in every shape, but it is not about promoting unhealthy lifestyles or obesity. Everyone should exercise, every day if they can. Everyone should eat healthfully, with big piles of veggies, and lean proteins, and whole grains. I need to do this, and I'm scared for what will happen if I don't.

My years of eating disorders have instilled a primal fear in me. If I hit 200 lbs, I might have a break down. I don't know what I would do. It's not reasonable for me to be scared of that number, anything above 160 lbs is not good for me. I have asthma that set on severely when I hit 160 lbs. Before then, it was under control and only affected me in extreme heat or cold while I was exercising. Now it's so bad that I don't even know if I *can* exercise anymore. I need to change. I need to change for myself and my future. The pressure is on. Tonight is the night that I make my change.


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