Short Hiatus
I haven't been feeling good so Dear Curvy will be taking a short break until I'm doing better, no longer than a week though I promise!!
Who I Will Become
I made a list today of what words I would use to describe my ideal self, and I wanted to share them with you. I'm going to fit all these words by the end of this year, and hopefully before then. The only person that can make me a better person is me, I know that now and I'm on my way to doing that. So here is the real me, the hidden me, the me that's going to shine out from the darkness and rise from the ashes.
-Athletic (Runner, biker, yogi)
-Healthy food eater
-Voluptuous, not obese
-Organized
-A great mom
-Clean
-Fashionably dressed
-Educated
-Responsible
That is my list, and that is who I will become.
-Athletic (Runner, biker, yogi)
-Healthy food eater
-Voluptuous, not obese
-Organized
-A great mom
-Clean
-Fashionably dressed
-Educated
-Responsible
That is my list, and that is who I will become.
Easy Breakfast Smoothie
This smoothie is such a great way to start the day, and the yogurt will help your digestion all day long! It only takes a minute to prepare, and it's such a yummy drink!
Ingredients
1 peeled whole orange
1 peeled banana, broken into pieces
As much yogurt as you like (Any flavor, but I went with vanilla)
Dump them all in you blender and turn it on to the "Liquefy" setting until you like the consistency.
That's it! That's all there is, barely any work at all for a great healthy start to your day!
Ingredients
1 peeled whole orange
1 peeled banana, broken into pieces
As much yogurt as you like (Any flavor, but I went with vanilla)
Dump them all in you blender and turn it on to the "Liquefy" setting until you like the consistency.
That's it! That's all there is, barely any work at all for a great healthy start to your day!
Out of a Size 14 and Into the Grave
I've posted recently about my surprise weight gain, and it's increasingly difficult for me to resist the urges to slip into old habits. Every time I feel my shirt tug tighter than it used to, I want to skip a few days of eating, every time I eat a meal I want to hunch over my toilet bowl. I don't even need to use my fingers to throw up anymore, I can just flex my stomach muscles and my years of practice spew out the offending calories. One thing hasn't changed. I'm binging. I can't avoid it. I love good food, and it's in the house everywhere. It's not good for me, it's just good tasting.
My binging is getting worse and worse with the discovery of my actual weight. I've eaten 3 bags of chips by myself this week. It's disgusting, and it's wrong, and it's so easy. One serving become two, two becomes lunch, lunch becomes a shopping trip for more chips. I wasn't lying about the purpose of this blog. I love real women, and curvy bodies, and that's how I want my body to be. However, I want my body to be that way at a healthy weight for me. 184 pounds is not that weight. This blog is about confidence at any size, and beauty in every shape, but it is not about promoting unhealthy lifestyles or obesity. Everyone should exercise, every day if they can. Everyone should eat healthfully, with big piles of veggies, and lean proteins, and whole grains. I need to do this, and I'm scared for what will happen if I don't.
My years of eating disorders have instilled a primal fear in me. If I hit 200 lbs, I might have a break down. I don't know what I would do. It's not reasonable for me to be scared of that number, anything above 160 lbs is not good for me. I have asthma that set on severely when I hit 160 lbs. Before then, it was under control and only affected me in extreme heat or cold while I was exercising. Now it's so bad that I don't even know if I *can* exercise anymore. I need to change. I need to change for myself and my future. The pressure is on. Tonight is the night that I make my change.
My binging is getting worse and worse with the discovery of my actual weight. I've eaten 3 bags of chips by myself this week. It's disgusting, and it's wrong, and it's so easy. One serving become two, two becomes lunch, lunch becomes a shopping trip for more chips. I wasn't lying about the purpose of this blog. I love real women, and curvy bodies, and that's how I want my body to be. However, I want my body to be that way at a healthy weight for me. 184 pounds is not that weight. This blog is about confidence at any size, and beauty in every shape, but it is not about promoting unhealthy lifestyles or obesity. Everyone should exercise, every day if they can. Everyone should eat healthfully, with big piles of veggies, and lean proteins, and whole grains. I need to do this, and I'm scared for what will happen if I don't.
My years of eating disorders have instilled a primal fear in me. If I hit 200 lbs, I might have a break down. I don't know what I would do. It's not reasonable for me to be scared of that number, anything above 160 lbs is not good for me. I have asthma that set on severely when I hit 160 lbs. Before then, it was under control and only affected me in extreme heat or cold while I was exercising. Now it's so bad that I don't even know if I *can* exercise anymore. I need to change. I need to change for myself and my future. The pressure is on. Tonight is the night that I make my change.
184
I suffered from a lot of eating disorders, for a lot of years, and now I'm done. I've dealt with anorexia, bulimia, a combination of both, binging, purging, chew spit, monitoring calories, monitoring fat, eating everything, and not eating anything, all because of my weight. Even when I was 105 lbs, I was too fat.I'm finally making myself end this cycle. Today, at Wal-mart, there was a scale out on the floor. "I haven't weighed myself in a while, maybe I should." I thought to myself. I tapped the scale with my foot, and I remembered the days not so long ago when I would weigh myself between bites of food, then every 10 minutes or so when I wasn't eating (this is why we don't have a scale in the house).
I stepped on lightly with one foot, then all the way on with the other. Tenetively, I waited, wonder what the magical square would determine my worth was. How confident would I be today? Would I regret the chips I had for breakfast? The little black bars blinked on the screen. "--", "--", "--", like it was deciding if I deserved it's blessing, "Thinking. Thinking. Thinking." Finally they formed a number, a number I didn't like. 184. That means I've gained back all the weight I worked so hard to lose, plus 5 lbs. Here at Dear Curvy, we love all women in all sizes. We do not like a lack of health because of pure laziness. That's how I've been living. My first thought, when I saw the dread "184", was to vomit. Then and there, in the Wal-mart bathroom, then try again. This was the old me, the me who had (and still hasn't deleted) over 400 "thinspo" images on her laptop.
Then "N" came up to me, and smiled, and saw that I was weighing myself. "What is it? You look like you've been losing weight!" he said happily and genuinely excited. I explained the situation to him, and what urges I'd felt. He frowned. I knew what I wanted to do was wrong, and it made me sad inside to know I'd worried him. I won't puke, I will eat like normal, and try to add healthier items into my menu, I will exercise every day, but I won't fall into the old destructive cycle I had. Today is the change, where I care about being healthy, not thin. I know 184 is not my number, I think 148 is a closer guess. My dream number used to be 82. 82 was the number because I was underweight for my height, but not emaciated. I wanted to be so light that I could walk on snow and not ruin it's beauty with my footprints, like the pro-ana saying goes.
Today, I'm not gross, morbidly obese, or damaged. Today I am taking control of a situation, before it becomes a problem because that's what's best for me and my family. Today, I won, and the monster from the past retreated to it's lair. Hopefully, next time I have the opportunity to step on a scale, it won't return.
I stepped on lightly with one foot, then all the way on with the other. Tenetively, I waited, wonder what the magical square would determine my worth was. How confident would I be today? Would I regret the chips I had for breakfast? The little black bars blinked on the screen. "--", "--", "--", like it was deciding if I deserved it's blessing, "Thinking. Thinking. Thinking." Finally they formed a number, a number I didn't like. 184. That means I've gained back all the weight I worked so hard to lose, plus 5 lbs. Here at Dear Curvy, we love all women in all sizes. We do not like a lack of health because of pure laziness. That's how I've been living. My first thought, when I saw the dread "184", was to vomit. Then and there, in the Wal-mart bathroom, then try again. This was the old me, the me who had (and still hasn't deleted) over 400 "thinspo" images on her laptop.
Then "N" came up to me, and smiled, and saw that I was weighing myself. "What is it? You look like you've been losing weight!" he said happily and genuinely excited. I explained the situation to him, and what urges I'd felt. He frowned. I knew what I wanted to do was wrong, and it made me sad inside to know I'd worried him. I won't puke, I will eat like normal, and try to add healthier items into my menu, I will exercise every day, but I won't fall into the old destructive cycle I had. Today is the change, where I care about being healthy, not thin. I know 184 is not my number, I think 148 is a closer guess. My dream number used to be 82. 82 was the number because I was underweight for my height, but not emaciated. I wanted to be so light that I could walk on snow and not ruin it's beauty with my footprints, like the pro-ana saying goes.
Today, I'm not gross, morbidly obese, or damaged. Today I am taking control of a situation, before it becomes a problem because that's what's best for me and my family. Today, I won, and the monster from the past retreated to it's lair. Hopefully, next time I have the opportunity to step on a scale, it won't return.
Things I Love-Maurices
For this week's "Things I Love" we're going to focus on what's trendy now. I see black, grays, and silvers, along with quirky pairings of girly and masculine touches. I'm also featuing a store that's a favorite of mine, Maurices, which provides cute and fashionable items, in a variety of sizes and prices.
1. Burnout Cardiwrap
In vest or cardigan form, light airy wraps are a must have right now. I love this gray, it's moody, but still bright, and the pointed hem will look amazing on a pear shaped body.
Available for $32.00 from Maurices
2. Lace and Studd Tank Top
This tank elegantly flaunts feminine lace alongside manly brushstorkes of heather gray, and the swipe of studs glam up the shoulder, which is to die for.
$30.00 from Maurices
3.Ruched Black Skinny Pants
The black completes our color scheme, while the slim silhouette of the jeans adds a sexy edge to the look. I love the ruched ankles, they seem like they would accent a great heel.
$39.00 from Maurices
4. Peep Toe Ruffled Bootie
Okay so I couldn't resist. This outfit needed a pop of color, but could you resist these heels? I absolutely adore them! I, myself, can't wear heels, but I greatly envy those who can. I have such a shoe fetish, it's entirely unfair. You though, you buy these amazing heels!!
$39.00 from Maurices
5. Mixed Bangle Bracelets
There are a ton of wonderful bracelet sets on Maurices' website, in a variety of colors, but these were my favorite. I love the size contrast, so color pizazz takes a backseat to this classic black and silver set.
$16.00 from Maurices
1. Burnout Cardiwrap
In vest or cardigan form, light airy wraps are a must have right now. I love this gray, it's moody, but still bright, and the pointed hem will look amazing on a pear shaped body.
Available for $32.00 from Maurices
2. Lace and Studd Tank Top
This tank elegantly flaunts feminine lace alongside manly brushstorkes of heather gray, and the swipe of studs glam up the shoulder, which is to die for.
$30.00 from Maurices
3.Ruched Black Skinny Pants
The black completes our color scheme, while the slim silhouette of the jeans adds a sexy edge to the look. I love the ruched ankles, they seem like they would accent a great heel.
$39.00 from Maurices
4. Peep Toe Ruffled Bootie
Okay so I couldn't resist. This outfit needed a pop of color, but could you resist these heels? I absolutely adore them! I, myself, can't wear heels, but I greatly envy those who can. I have such a shoe fetish, it's entirely unfair. You though, you buy these amazing heels!!
$39.00 from Maurices
5. Mixed Bangle Bracelets
There are a ton of wonderful bracelet sets on Maurices' website, in a variety of colors, but these were my favorite. I love the size contrast, so color pizazz takes a backseat to this classic black and silver set.
$16.00 from Maurices
Curvy Love
As a curvy woman, I have self esteem issues. I am aware that this is not uncommon, but I wanted to share mine. I know my fiance, "N", loves me entirely, at whatever weight I am. I know this because when I was pregnant I gained 30 lbs. Many curvy women have beautifully shaped bodies, with wide hips, gracious thighs, and the slightest hint of a belly. Me? I have a short, stout, snowball of a body. I have stubby legs, a big belly, a small waist, and a bouquet of backrolls. It's difficult for me to feel sexy without hiding under clothes that accentuate my shape. I've learned that if you shirt is the exact right balance of loose and clingy, with stiff fabric, I can pull it off like I'm just well endowed with a perfect hourglass, but when there's no curtain of patterned polyester and distracting accessories it's hard for me to not feel like a slug. My fiance is the cure for that.
It's so refreshing to be with a guy who doesn't pressure me into being someone I'm not. I've had some bad boyfriends before. One past baddie hit on a slim friend of mine while I was walking 5 feet in front of him! His excuse later on was that he thought I couldn't hear him. I had another nefarious beau tell me that I should continue my years of bulimia without worry, because dentists could fix about anything that happened to my teeth and it was "just working so great". So you can see, dear readers, why "N" is such a welcome change. Last night, we in bed cuddling before going to sleep, and he was doing the unimaginable. Try, dear readers, not to freak out. He was...caressing my back fat.
What? No freak out? Okay well it was positively earthshattering to me. I asked him "Why are you doing that?" and he replied "Because your curves are sexy." My curves? Did you hear that? He called one of my rolls a "curve". It's not a curve! It's disgusting! It's a marshmallow deposit under my skin. It's a thing which just doesn't belong on a female body! A curve, the nerve of him, mocking me like that! So I replied "No, it's back fat, it's gross." and pushed his hand away. In that second I realized, by hating myself, I had rejected his love. How awful our self hate can be, yeah? I'd always thought it was emotion I suffered through alone, but no. This was something that had in that second, cut into both of us. So I put his hand back, and apologized, and followed with "Why do you like it?"
He smiled, and slid his hand up and down the side of my body, and said "Because it's soft, and it defines your waist, and it's kind of...elegant." I couldn't believe the words he was saying. Elegant? I've never heard any of the tell tale signs of obesity described like that. The rest of the night, until we fell asleep proceeded like that. He put his hand on my stomach, and said that it was "cute" and "kissable", he touched an area of my arm I'm not fond of and called it "delicate". As I fell asleep in his arms I realized: My body will always have problem areas to me, but it will never have any blemishes to those who truly love me.
It's so refreshing to be with a guy who doesn't pressure me into being someone I'm not. I've had some bad boyfriends before. One past baddie hit on a slim friend of mine while I was walking 5 feet in front of him! His excuse later on was that he thought I couldn't hear him. I had another nefarious beau tell me that I should continue my years of bulimia without worry, because dentists could fix about anything that happened to my teeth and it was "just working so great". So you can see, dear readers, why "N" is such a welcome change. Last night, we in bed cuddling before going to sleep, and he was doing the unimaginable. Try, dear readers, not to freak out. He was...caressing my back fat.
What? No freak out? Okay well it was positively earthshattering to me. I asked him "Why are you doing that?" and he replied "Because your curves are sexy." My curves? Did you hear that? He called one of my rolls a "curve". It's not a curve! It's disgusting! It's a marshmallow deposit under my skin. It's a thing which just doesn't belong on a female body! A curve, the nerve of him, mocking me like that! So I replied "No, it's back fat, it's gross." and pushed his hand away. In that second I realized, by hating myself, I had rejected his love. How awful our self hate can be, yeah? I'd always thought it was emotion I suffered through alone, but no. This was something that had in that second, cut into both of us. So I put his hand back, and apologized, and followed with "Why do you like it?"
He smiled, and slid his hand up and down the side of my body, and said "Because it's soft, and it defines your waist, and it's kind of...elegant." I couldn't believe the words he was saying. Elegant? I've never heard any of the tell tale signs of obesity described like that. The rest of the night, until we fell asleep proceeded like that. He put his hand on my stomach, and said that it was "cute" and "kissable", he touched an area of my arm I'm not fond of and called it "delicate". As I fell asleep in his arms I realized: My body will always have problem areas to me, but it will never have any blemishes to those who truly love me.
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